The idea of using toys to spice up the sex is an idea I have long toyed (pun intended). To where I live however, humans here are not accustomed to seeing a huge green dildo over the counter. Believe it or not, even my peers are embarrassed of buying a condom at a drugstore, which is both sad and hilarious.

Now being both horny and hormonal, I scoured the internet for some of these what I love to call, gadgets of fuckery, and jesus-hold-me-tight, I found out that there’s more to dildos, rabbits, and beads. I mean, I am looking at a plethora of sex toys mouthing OMG and WTF simultaneously. I have reached the point of my primal fear settling in, and doubted for like two seconds if I should really go ahead and enter the realm of Sex Toylandia.

I haven’t decided yet, not that I’m closing my doors or whatnot, but here are some of the toys I am NOT happy to discover and anyone who uses any of these will not become my friend, or if you already are, leave me the fuck alone – period.



I understand foot fetish is a thing BUT THIS IS NOT HOW YOU DO IT FOR FUCK’S SAKE.


No. No no no no no no. That’s not a sex toy, that’s a prop from the XXX-rated version of the Thing.

Is … is this who we are now, people? We’re taking what are essentially horror movie props and making them fuckable to quiet down the voices in our heads? That’s shooting way above your everyday “generic sociopath” territory and veering dangerously close to outright supervillainy. I mean, the only thing I can imagine would be worse than that fucking footgina would be … you know, I can’t even tell. Maybe an actual severed head with a screwable windpipe? Luckily, humanity is not yet so far gone that we’d even consider making a deranged-ass product like th-


.. nevermind. Babies for breakfast, anyone?



Guys, I’m all for fantasies. I fully understand the power trip some guys enjoy in the whole virgin fantasy thing. But do you really need a sex toy that actually bleeds to simulate the sensation? From multiple manufacturers, for that matter. How … how does that even work? It’s not like you’re likely to see the fake blood while you’re, uh, operating the machinery. Do you poke the toy with a stick until it bleeds? Do you revel in the blood afterwards?


Actually, don’t answer that. Because I can’t help but feel that whenever you feel the need to shed your money on a sex toy that sputters red goop, the next step is hissing at the police from your meat hook-filled closet dungeon after they finally realize that the material of your anime body pillow is suspiciously skin-like, and that no one has seen your neighbor in weeks.





I understand sparkly butt plugs. I even saw a butt plug with a Christian cross on it. But this, really? REALLY?! WHY?!




This is like the cock ring Vlad the Impaler would use. If you love tales of the medieval, or if you’re conducting your own inquisition, then this tiny Iron Maiden for a schlong may be right up your alley.



Okay. So I’ve been told this is a thing in Vegas?


I can’t even write anymore. This is.. this is.. not what I had in mind.

LOL at that third bullet point – TOSS YOUR INHIBITIONS AWAY – who wouldn’t wanna do that *laughingcrying*



Homosexual Necrophilia: Gay Duck Screws Dead Duck

It’s weird writing about ducks. But I don’t think we have mallards down here – I’ve never seen one before. We have white ducks and black ducks – but you can’t really tell since all you see is a beak, some feathers, and a whole lotta mud.

I guess this behavior in ducks fascinated the shit outta me because I didn’t realize they can be sooo hardcore.

See here, the Mallard duck, has quite an unusual way of expressing its amorous ways. Apart from mating with the usual female duck species, the male Mallard has the liking for boning other males. Well, not always those live ones – sometimes, DEAD ones.

Mallard ducks have been observed to have a necrophiliac sexual behavior. It was vividly documented by a Dutch researcher, Kees Moeliker in the summer of 1995.

Moeliker was in Rotterdam Natural Museum in Netherlands, sitting behind his desk in a glass building. Out of the blue, he heard a loud bang emanating from the window, and that’s when he saw a male Mallard, dead as a doornail – belly on the sand. Now another male duck was on the scene and started pecking at the dead Mallard’s head. The live duck then suddenly mounted the dead one and raped it. In such quite a force and stamina, the male mallard continued copulating for almost 75 minutes. According to Moeliker, the live Mallard even took two short breaks during the incident, before he decided to halt the “rape” and secured the unfortunate dead duck.

Homo-necro Duck

Moeliker’s odd documentation was somehow a revelation, especially since homosexual necrophilia in animals has never been described before. A fact though is, homosexuality in ducks is indeed present – the ratio being 1 out of 10 ducks being gay. Necrophilia in ducks was also documented in the past, but not between two males. What the Dutch researcher witnessed was an exceptional case, plus the fact that the copulation lasted for over an hour.

In Kees Moeliker’s explanation, he said that the incident was a case of a “rape-intent flight”, which is a common sexual behavior in Mallards. Male Mallards often target female ducks which are left out during mating season. The group will chase the female and peck at her, and when she starts to weaken, the male ducks will take turns in raping the female duck.  What Moeliker witnessed however, was quite a rare case, since the “victimized” duck accidentally died after flying into a glass pane. Fueled by raging hormones, the dominant duck’s arousal was further intensified, seeing the dead Mallard failed to resist. What’s disturbing to me is the fact that the dominant duck got horny upon the sight of a dead duck. Nature is scary.

Because of this rare observation, Kees Moeliker was awarded the Ig Nobel Prize, an award which honors scientific discoveries that “first make people laugh, and then make them think,” for improbable research in 2003. Since the incident, a lot more cases of necrophilia and homosexuality among birds and other animals have been documented including several species of frogs and swans. However, the combination of two male Mallard ducks has never been seen again.

"Oh, hey, so what was your Nobel Prize for?" "Oh, well you know, just about a gay duck having sex with another duck’s corpse."

“Oh, hey, so what was your Nobel Prize for?”
“Oh, well you know, just about a gay duck having sex with another duck’s corpse.”