TOY CULTURE

The idea of using toys to spice up the sex is an idea I have long toyed (pun intended). To where I live however, humans here are not accustomed to seeing a huge green dildo over the counter. Believe it or not, even my peers are embarrassed of buying a condom at a drugstore, which is both sad and hilarious.

Now being both horny and hormonal, I scoured the internet for some of these what I love to call, gadgets of fuckery, and jesus-hold-me-tight, I found out that there’s more to dildos, rabbits, and beads. I mean, I am looking at a plethora of sex toys mouthing OMG and WTF simultaneously. I have reached the point of my primal fear settling in, and doubted for like two seconds if I should really go ahead and enter the realm of Sex Toylandia.

I haven’t decided yet, not that I’m closing my doors or whatnot, but here are some of the toys I am NOT happy to discover and anyone who uses any of these will not become my friend, or if you already are, leave me the fuck alone – period.

 

THE VAJANKLE

I understand foot fetish is a thing BUT THIS IS NOT HOW YOU DO IT FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

wtf

No. No no no no no no. That’s not a sex toy, that’s a prop from the XXX-rated version of the Thing.

Is … is this who we are now, people? We’re taking what are essentially horror movie props and making them fuckable to quiet down the voices in our heads? That’s shooting way above your everyday “generic sociopath” territory and veering dangerously close to outright supervillainy. I mean, the only thing I can imagine would be worse than that fucking footgina would be … you know, I can’t even tell. Maybe an actual severed head with a screwable windpipe? Luckily, humanity is not yet so far gone that we’d even consider making a deranged-ass product like th-

wtf2

.. nevermind. Babies for breakfast, anyone?

 

VIRGIN SEX TOYS

Guys, I’m all for fantasies. I fully understand the power trip some guys enjoy in the whole virgin fantasy thing. But do you really need a sex toy that actually bleeds to simulate the sensation? From multiple manufacturers, for that matter. How … how does that even work? It’s not like you’re likely to see the fake blood while you’re, uh, operating the machinery. Do you poke the toy with a stick until it bleeds? Do you revel in the blood afterwards?

wtf3

Actually, don’t answer that. Because I can’t help but feel that whenever you feel the need to shed your money on a sex toy that sputters red goop, the next step is hissing at the police from your meat hook-filled closet dungeon after they finally realize that the material of your anime body pillow is suspiciously skin-like, and that no one has seen your neighbor in weeks.

 

A BUTTPLUG WITH A FUZZY TAIL

wtf4

JESUS. REALLY?

I understand sparkly butt plugs. I even saw a butt plug with a Christian cross on it. But this, really? REALLY?! WHY?!

 

THIS COCK RING FROM HELL

wtf6

This is like the cock ring Vlad the Impaler would use. If you love tales of the medieval, or if you’re conducting your own inquisition, then this tiny Iron Maiden for a schlong may be right up your alley.

 

ANAL RING TOSS

Okay. So I’ve been told this is a thing in Vegas?

wtf5

I can’t even write anymore. This is.. this is.. not what I had in mind.

LOL at that third bullet point – TOSS YOUR INHIBITIONS AWAY – who wouldn’t wanna do that *laughingcrying*

 

 

M

Stolen moments have

              left me unable to breathe.

                              Our bodies entwined.

 

The only witness

                are painted yet barren walls.

                                Static; unaware.

 

Stolen moments have

                left me wanting more of you.

                                Don’t ever let go.

 

Lucila Lalu: The Original Chop-Chop Lady

**DISCLAIMER: THERE ARE SOME REALLY FUCKED UP PHOTOS BELOW. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

 

Lucila Lalu- photoThe term chop-chop lady is something most Filipinos would recognize. With English being our second language, some words are borrowed and snuck into our everyday vocabulary, as if we invented the universal language itself.

Now chop-chop lady is anything but pretty – it refers to a body of a woman whose remains are chopped into inappropriately smaller pieces – the head being decapitated (in most cases), torso, limbs, some even do the extra effort of severing each finger and toe – the whole nine yards of mutilation. You get it, right?

As Filipinos, atrocities are like a breakfast value meal at Jollibee – they exist, but you don’t always get ‘em.  News like this appears from time to time, albeit not every day. When we do hear one, the nation automatically huddles into paranoia, in fear of the maniac who’s keen on chopping off humans.

Enter Lucila Lalu.

For the local press, 1967 is the year when Lucila Lalu outranked the Arab-Israeli War on the front pages.

Her case was highly sensationalized, given it happened in 1960s Philippines, and hers was abnormally scary as fuck because they found her legs first, chopped expertly into four pieces and wrapped in a newspaper, in a garbage can on Malabon St., Sta. Cruz. A day later, her body, headless and legless, was found on a vacant lot along Epifanio de los Santos Avenue. It took time, of course, to identify her in the little pieces, but the police managed somehow to get fingerprints off the dead hands which subsequently found to match those in a police clearance file on one Lucila Lalu. The suspects of the case included her 19-year-old lover, Florante Relos, Patrolman Aniano de Vera, and Jose Luis Santiano, a 28-year-old dental student.

For the local press, 1967 is the year when Lucila Lalu outranked the Arab-Israeli War on the front pages.

As the case developed, the sordid side of Lucila’s life rather than her murderer surfaced. Reports poured in that Lucila had other lovers and the police responded by hunting them. The testimony of eager beavers in the case was varied and contradictory. Lucila’s neighbors claimed they saw three men dragging what looked like a body from Lucila’s residence. Vera claimed he saw Lucila hale and hearty hours after the neighbors “had seen” her body being dragged away. A friend of the victim stated that Lucila wanted to end her relationship with Relos, but Relos swears the woman was very much in love with him. And so on, and so forth.

Lucila LaluMay30-67-Full-sf

The police, for their part, theorized on the circumstances behind the murder. From what was left of Lucila, they surmised that the murder could only have been committed by someone familiar with the use of knives and such – say a butcher or a surgeon or at least a pre-med student. The killer must have used a private vehicle to dispose of the torso and legs, and because these were very cold to the touch when found, the remains, the police said, must have been stored in a freezer. These led to speculation that a wealthy man may have been involved in the case, in addition to the earlier and credible theory that the killer must be intelligent, methodical and some sort of professional.

After a week of investigating and prying for information, the police still had no murderer to show before the public. And the victim’s head still had to be recovered. This led not a few people to feel that local sleuths, be they Manila’s finest or our intelligence agents, are not fine enough.

Lucila Lalu-Jun18-67-1-b&w-Full page-sf

On the 15th of June 1967, Santiano, the 28-year old dental student surfaced and confessed to the crime. He recounted and detailed the events that led to the brutal killing. However, a few days later, he retracted and repudiated his confession and insisted on his innocence. But the authorities were firmed on their decision to pursue the case against the new suspect.

In an unsuspecting plot twist, a retired cop, Steve Hodel, claims that his father killed Lucila Lalu. His father is George Hodel, the suspected murderer of Elizabeth Short (The Black Dahlia) in 1947. His father abandoned them and moved to the Philippines, detailing it on his books. Furthermore, handwriting analysis shows connections between George Hodel’s known handwriting and notes written by the Lipstick killer and the Zodiac killer.

Lalu’s case, although Santiano was pinned, is something that can drag on unresolved, as in fact many have in the past. If we consider Steve Hodel’s claims however, does it make me a very sick person if I say… I felt an irrational surge of excitement, knowing George Hodel was once here? :)

Here’s a Black Dahlia slideshow (for the lack of Lucila’s body parts):

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