I wear glasses because I’m actually nearsighted and it’s no fun trust me. Don’t aspire to be fucking blind there’s nothing sexy about it. Real life isn’t porn where you get to bang hot nerds who answer to “who’s your daddy?”. And glasses don’t fucking stick to your face while having sex. For nearsighted people, it’s either fuck blind or fuck and pray that your glasses stay put.




The idea of using toys to spice up the sex is an idea I have long toyed (pun intended). To where I live however, humans here are not accustomed to seeing a huge green dildo over the counter. Believe it or not, even my peers are embarrassed of buying a condom at a drugstore, which is both sad and hilarious.

Now being both horny and hormonal, I scoured the internet for some of these what I love to call, gadgets of fuckery, and jesus-hold-me-tight, I found out that there’s more to dildos, rabbits, and beads. I mean, I am looking at a plethora of sex toys mouthing OMG and WTF simultaneously. I have reached the point of my primal fear settling in, and doubted for like two seconds if I should really go ahead and enter the realm of Sex Toylandia.

I haven’t decided yet, not that I’m closing my doors or whatnot, but here are some of the toys I am NOT happy to discover and anyone who uses any of these will not become my friend, or if you already are, leave me the fuck alone – period.



I understand foot fetish is a thing BUT THIS IS NOT HOW YOU DO IT FOR FUCK’S SAKE.


No. No no no no no no. That’s not a sex toy, that’s a prop from the XXX-rated version of the Thing.

Is … is this who we are now, people? We’re taking what are essentially horror movie props and making them fuckable to quiet down the voices in our heads? That’s shooting way above your everyday “generic sociopath” territory and veering dangerously close to outright supervillainy. I mean, the only thing I can imagine would be worse than that fucking footgina would be … you know, I can’t even tell. Maybe an actual severed head with a screwable windpipe? Luckily, humanity is not yet so far gone that we’d even consider making a deranged-ass product like th-


.. nevermind. Babies for breakfast, anyone?



Guys, I’m all for fantasies. I fully understand the power trip some guys enjoy in the whole virgin fantasy thing. But do you really need a sex toy that actually bleeds to simulate the sensation? From multiple manufacturers, for that matter. How … how does that even work? It’s not like you’re likely to see the fake blood while you’re, uh, operating the machinery. Do you poke the toy with a stick until it bleeds? Do you revel in the blood afterwards?


Actually, don’t answer that. Because I can’t help but feel that whenever you feel the need to shed your money on a sex toy that sputters red goop, the next step is hissing at the police from your meat hook-filled closet dungeon after they finally realize that the material of your anime body pillow is suspiciously skin-like, and that no one has seen your neighbor in weeks.





I understand sparkly butt plugs. I even saw a butt plug with a Christian cross on it. But this, really? REALLY?! WHY?!




This is like the cock ring Vlad the Impaler would use. If you love tales of the medieval, or if you’re conducting your own inquisition, then this tiny Iron Maiden for a schlong may be right up your alley.



Okay. So I’ve been told this is a thing in Vegas?


I can’t even write anymore. This is.. this is.. not what I had in mind.

LOL at that third bullet point – TOSS YOUR INHIBITIONS AWAY – who wouldn’t wanna do that *laughingcrying*




Stolen moments have

              left me unable to breathe.

                              Our bodies entwined.


The only witness

                are painted yet barren walls.

                                Static; unaware.


Stolen moments have

                left me wanting more of you.

                                Don’t ever let go.